Heard.
It’s what we all want.
It’s what we have to offer.
Creating opportunities for others to experience being heard requires two things: curiosity and presence.
To be curious you have to assume there are gaps in your understanding - in situations and people. Then once you acknowledge your finitude you must choose wonder over proclamation. Curiosity means showing up ready to ask instead of tell.
Presence is the posture that makes curiosity powerful. It’s the choice to be in the moment, in the question, and with the other person and nowhere else. In a non-stop, noisy world, where everyone is clamoring for attention, your offer to be fully engaged in a conversation is a rare gift.
Try it out. Choose one person in your relational world who needs to be heard today. Write down a question. Put down your phone and your agenda. Create space to be human.
Some Questions to Consider:
Questions that open someone up
What’s the part of this you haven’t said out loud yet?
What are you most sure about here, and what are you least sure about?
How did you come to see it that way?
What would I understand about this if I’d been in the room with you?
What’s the story you’re telling yourself about what happened?
Questions that go a layer deeper
What makes that matter so much to you?
What’s underneath that?
When you say “frustrating,” what specifically is frustrating?
What were you hoping would happen instead?
What’s the question you wish someone would ask you about this?
Questions that explore someone’s thinking without judging it
What would have to be true for that to be the right call?
What’s the strongest case against your own position?
What are you optimizing for?
If you’re wrong about this, where is the mistake most likely hiding?
What have you already ruled out, and why?
Questions for disagreement or tension
Help me understand how you got there.
What am I missing?
What do you think I’m not seeing from where I sit?
What would change your mind?
Where do we actually agree?
Questions that invite the future
What would “great” look like a year from now?
What’s the version of this you’d be proud of?
If this works, what becomes possible that isn’t now?
What’s the smallest thing that would make this better tomorrow?
Questions that build connection (good for one-on-ones and offsites)
What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?
What’s energizing you right now, and what’s draining you?
What’s a problem you’d love to be handed?
What do people consistently get wrong about you?
What did you learn the hard way that you’d want to spare someone else?
A few “meta” tools worth teaching alongside the questions
Tell me more. (Three words, works almost everywhere.)
The silence after the answer. Count to five before speaking.
Reflect, then ask: “So you’re saying X. What’s behind that?”
Swap “why” for “what” or “how” when stakes are high. “Why did you do that?” sounds like an accusation. “What was going through your mind?” sounds like interest.
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